What A Special Needs Mom Wants You to Know
I am a special needs mom, I never knew that was going to be my path, I thought that is what happened to “other” people. You know the ones, you are at the grocery store and see a child who clearly has some differences or obvious disability and you silently thank God for your healthy children. That was me too. But, life has a way of changing your perspective on things and with the birth of my 6th child, my perspective was forever altered. Here’s what A special needs mom wants you to know.
When our youngest child was born we learned, at birth, that he had Down Syndrome. To say it was a shock is quite possibly the understatement of the year. Suddenly, all the times that I had avoided eye contact with or politely smiled at a special child and then moved on had more significance than ever before. I began wondering why I didn’t go out of my way to connect more with parents of those who are different. I can tell you why, its because of fear. We worry that we will say the wrong thing, we worry that the situation might become uncomfortable, we figure that it is just easier to stay in the safe zone that we know so well, that means sometimes the special needs mom is left out.
Now that I am on the other side of the fence I want my mom tribe to know a few things about special needs parents.
We LOVE our kids too and we don’t want you to feel sorry for us
Really, most special needs parents who have completely embraced their path will tell you that they do not want you to say “I’m sorry” or feel bad for them. Truthfully, if given the chance I would not change my son or all of the joy he has brought into our lives by connecting us with others and bringing pure joy. You shouldn’t feel sorry for us because we have a perspective on life that allows us a unique lens most will never know, it is a beautiful picture.
Don’t be afraid to ask
This one can be touchy because there is a bit of tact that is necessary, but do ask. If you see a child with something uniquely different, pose the question like this, “tell me about your child.” Moms and dads love to talk about their children and special needs children are no different. Most of us parents love to educate others because it means that we can help build understanding. Do avoid the use of the words, “What is wrong with your child.” That may illicit a very strong defensive response.
Teach your children
Children are curious about others and that is totally normal. When in a store if your child hollars out (much to your stark embarrassment) WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM/HER??? Use that as a teaching moment rather than covering your child’s mouth and running out of the store mortified. Talk to your child and if you don’t know about the difference you have observed, take your child over to what they are seeing and ask if you can introduce your child to the individual. This goes a long way in showing our children that differences are not to be feared or avoided.
Include special needs moms
We need “mom time” too. Yes, our playdates may sometimes look different but just inviting us can mean the world. By including those with differences in your park dates or splash pad adventures, you are demonstrating to your children that the world is made up of so many different individuals and helping them learn inclusion from an early age is always a good idea.
From this special needs mom to the rest of my mom tribe, know that we aren’t that different. We are all on this path of motherhood together, some of us just have to navigate it in a different way. Don’t be afraid to reach out, connect with, and learn about differences, you may just make the day of a mom and educate yourself and your own children in the process.
I just found your site. I am a big sister to a younger brother with Downs Syndrome. My brother David just turned 54 and brings light and joy to everyone he meets.I am Deb Conda and I’m a 62 year old retired widow. I lost my husband Vince to cancer when we were both 40. When he came to pick me up for our first date, my brother David tackled him . Vince was 6’6” and David only 4’10”. David had been watching football on tv and was mimicking the players moves. Geez, I thought I’d never see Vince again. Vince became one of David’s best buddies. It’s hard to tell but I believe David misses Vince as much as I do.
There were 7 of us siblings, I have two older sisters, two older brothers (both now deceased) and two younger brothers, with David being the youngest. David was Mom’s “change of life” baby, born when she was 45. I was 8 at the time and I remember Dad coming in and waking us up in the early hours of the morning to tell us about our new brother. The Doctors told my Parents to institutionalize David and forget they ever had him. Daddy called the Doctor a not so nice name and said he has ten fingers and ten toes and looks like my others kids, he’s coming home with us. Sadly we lost our Dad to a massive heart attack when David was just six months old.
Mom remarried a wonderful man two year later who raised us as his own and was great for David. Back then they didn’t mainstream kids with Downs just basically sat them in a school room and let them play with toys all day. David remained at home and was very spoiled. He has no verbal speech but makes his needs known by gestures and basic sign language. David now lives locally in a group home where he is well cared for and has made his way. My brother Ken picks him up every weekend and they often come to visit me. I wouldn’t trade my brother for a million dollars, because I’d rather have the million smiles he gives me.
“He ain’t heavy, he’s my Brother.”
Oh you made my day, and may have caused a few happy tears too!