I have shared before that I homeschool my 5 other children and that is my plan for Cedar as well. However, we are not in the trenches of homeschooling my son with Down Syndrome yet so I reached out to another mama who is, and here is what she shared:
My Five Lessons: Homeschooling my Son with Down syndrome
When I think about my son’s elementary school experience, I feel a genuine sense of sorrow; a loss of golden time for my son’s young, developing mind. The elementary school that was to support his early years of individuality, self-worth, wonderment and imagination had failed him.
From Junior Kindergarten to Grade Three, our family life revolved around a “boy and his behaviours and the school team” in search of solutions to support him. I look back now, four years later, and lament: Why didn’t we choose to homeschool Gabriel right from the beginning?
My husband and I were so blindsided by “the duty of inclusion”, that the one person we were trying to help was falling apart. Gabriel would wake up in the early months of Grade Three, sobbing and pleading not to go to school. His educational aide would assure us that he was fine once his day was started in school.
Gabriel was no longer the little boy my husband and I proudly brought to the interview with his Junior Kindergarten teacher many years ago. The boy who sat quietly, reading books, while we struggled to remain composed after her very first question: “Do I have to hide the scissors?”
Gabriel lost those early years. We chose the wrong school for him. We believed the school staff’s answers. We waited for things to get better. We lived in a simmering place of anger and angst. But all of this led to a gift that has given our son a second chance to live out his own best possible life as a real person. He no longer contends with labels and limits.
In November 2013, my husband and I began to homeschool Gabriel. And so my learning has been ongoing. This is what I know is true for our family and most importantly for our son:
- Inclusion is not an idea or goal to be attained. It is an ongoing practice in everyday life. Gabriel is not isolated by a label of Down syndrome, but instead is an active partner in our homeschool and neighbourhood community. No longer shadowed by an adult who dictates his behaviour and social place among his peers, he can grow in his own light and seek out companionship where he is comfortable. He is included and empowered in everyday life.
- Gabriel is a visual learner and I have the time and emotional space to strew and to teach to his needs. We live in Ontario, Canada, and homeschoolers are fortunate to not be restricted by institutional rules. We don’t work with our school board (although our family still pays taxes to our board) ; however, that option is available.
The luxury of Gabe’s learning ability is a gift. We can master a skill before moving onto another. There are no “precedents or antecedents of behaviour” to be discussed. He has been growing into a responsible person who is assured that it is okay to be right where he needs to be educationally. He is happy now and it shows.
- There is always going to be ignorance about Down syndrome and it is NOT Gabe’s goal to raise awareness. Even in the homeschooling community, there is a segment of population who are not comfortable with a person with a disability and who have may be holding onto misperceptions. (Recently, a mother told me that she explained to her children that some people with Down syndrome cannot I corrected her but it was too late. She had already told her children.)
My husband and I welcome questions about Down syndrome; however, we most wish for peers to talk to Gabriel. Like any community setting, we strive for our son to be seen as a person first and foremost.
- I am a good mother. I lived most of my early motherhood years in conflict about my abilities. I have learned the importance of being an advocate; however being a mother who listens and nurtures her child is most important in my own education.
As a homeschooling parent, I still battle with self-doubt and self-criticism, and I have good and bad days. I have waded through a pile of mistakes: choosing curriculum, social homeschool events, being consistent with routine and keeping my frustration in check. But I own it, and I move on. Life is not a Hallmark card and neither is homeschooling. It takes more “human” than I’ve ever given, if that makes sense. My son and I are much better people for it, too.
- My son is not meant to be a rocket scientist and that’s OK. And chances are, your kid won’t be a rocket scientist either. I try to take Down syndrome out of the equation of “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I grew up in a highly dysfunctional home and truth be told I cannot remember ever wanting to “be something”. I was in survival mode. I believe that if Gabe was still in the school system, he would be in survival mode and not growing into a person. And I believe that many kids with intellectual disabilities are far stronger willed than most neurotypical children only because they are neck deep in trying “to fit in” – or to survive as best they can in a social pool brimming with “expectation”. This word is very two faced. It can either be used for against or for someone and often the lowest of expectations are assigned to the learning disabled.
Gabe loves to take electronics apart but he’s not interested in what the components do to make something work, yet. He won’t participate in group STEM activities when we attend a homeschool co-op, yet. He wants to make videos but he doesn’t want to edit them, yet. He wants to shop for groceries but doesn’t care about money denominations, credit cards or banks, yet.
You see a theme here? “Yet” is our next step when building his skills for a good life. There are a zillion different ways to get to our goals. Our journey is slower, more relaxed, but we will get there. And whatever he chooses to be when he grows up will be his own choice because he will be independent and not in survival mode.
Gabriel is living a life of inclusion, where he can safely learn what he needs to learn without adults pushing their own perceptions about Down syndrome into his education. He is greatly loved by family and friends. Gabe is nurtured to be the best person he can be in this life. I wish I had known all these things before making the decision to homeschool my son. As a dear friend in the Down syndrome community always says, “Forward with hope.”
Gabriel is the 12-year-old son of Lianna and Terry Koerner. In November 2013, after four years of an unsuccessful relationship with elementary school, his parents decided to try homeschooling. It was, and continues to be, the best decision for him and his family. Gabriel enjoys gymnastics, cooking, sport activities, exploring electronics and karaoke with friends.
Be sure to follow along the adventures of Gabriel and his mom on Instagram @threeonthe21
As I have said in Ryckers story on our blog as our genetic counselor said during that moment when we first found out “it was completely random!” No, it wasn’t random. God chose me to be Rycker’s mommy! He chose me to help educate people about Down syndrome and teach them not to look down upon it or sweep it under the rug. He choose me to help inspire people to want to learn about people who are different. Just because my son might look a little different doesn’t make him any less handsome. Just because my son learns in a different way doesn’t mean he isn’t smart.
After Rycker had his original surgery we were told that they had caught something on his echocardiogram right before they were going to send us home. The echo showed that the pressures in Rycker’s heart were extremely high. We were told that Rycker would need to go in for a heart cath procedure on his heart to get an inside look as to what was going on. Rycker went into that procedure and as he came out when we were taken to the little office room where the director of cardiology sat us down, immediately it took me back to that moment when we were first told of his heart defect.
he has Down syndrome?” My answer has always been the same. Why not? Down syndrome is not scary. Down syndrome is beautiful. My message to the world is that there is hope in all things. People, including people with Down syndrome, all want to be loved, accepted and included. Having an open mind and embracing heart led me to motherhood and has resulted in so many blessings. The extra chromosome in Wyatt’s body has made it possible for me to experience extra love, extra happiness, extra patience and a plethora of knowledge I would never have had without him. Wyatt came to us through domestic infant option. A lot of people say he was lucky to have been adopted. The truth is he is not the lucky one, we are.
Bio: Nichole and her family live in rural north Texas. She left her career in behavior analysis to open a licensed in home child care business when Wyatt was born. Today she is a stay at home mother of 3 who enjoys gardening, yoga, crocheting and refinishing furniture. Nichole is a strong advocate for open adoption and Down syndrome. Follow along on Instagram