There I was, at a party where I knew no one, and I was the only one with a newborn baby.
He is, of course, adorable (I may be slightly biased) and was quite fawned over. The ladies were all marveling at his gravity-defying hair, his most memorable asset at the moment. The nice thing about having a baby with you when you don’t know anyone is that it does provide an instant topic instead of the awkward silence that can sometimes happen.
There was something else that happened, though…I was really enjoying the cooing at and sweet words about my son, and none of these women knew he had Down Syndrome. I suspect some may have noticed his almond eyes and the fact that at just turning 3 months he still does not have complete and total control over his head, but all were too polite to say anything other than, “he’s sooo cute!”
And he is.
It was nice, I didn’t have to answer any questions, which I really don’t mind doing, that is how I will be able to educate others, but for that night, he was just an adorable baby without a Down Syndrome diagnosis.
It was also nice that there was none of the awkward silence that sometimes follows my revelation about my son. It is because people don’t know what to say.
But then, there was this one mom.
I really didn’t know her at all and I was having trouble reading her. We chatted about our children, hers were older, and she seemed nice enough, but I was very unsure of her intentions, was she nosy, was she curious, was she intrigued? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions but I consciously chose not to bring up Cedar’s diagnosis.
I don’t know why really, I just didn’t. She talked to me the longest, she stroked his hair, she left many places in the conversation open where I could have easily slipped in the…”Oh because of his Down Syndrome…” But I just didn’t. I think she was really fishing too, but I avoided it, and she was too polite to ask.
The conversation wandered from parenting styles and her complete and total disbelief that I chose to have 6 children and we home school them all…(I instantly become an oddity in many women’s eyes at this point). We chatted about teenagers driving and sports teams, we even realized we had a connection as her best friend married a guy I went to school with from the 4th grade on. But, I never mentioned a thing about Cedar, she was clearly curious.
It wasn’t until I got home and talked to my husband that I asked him if he thought I was wrong…when someone was kind of hinting around…”Oh, he is so quiet, such a quiet baby, is he always like that for you?” “Is he like all of your other children?…” To say nothing and lose what could be a very teachable moment because I selfishly didn’t feel like it? He said no, but I felt this guilt.
I then went to face book and looked up that guy I went to high school with, the one this woman was connected to by her best friend, guess what? I had totally forgotten that he was a special needs parent as well. Not Down Syndrome, something rarer that I actually had to Google to understand, but that was why.
I am sure of it now, she probably wasn’t being nosy, she was looking for a deeper connection and I had selfishly missed it.
I have to give myself grace, but also realize that I could have had such a lovely discussion with this woman on a deeper level had I just opened myself up, but I didn’t.
So, for next time, I won’t do that, I am proud of Cedar, and everything about him, so I shouldn’t try to avoid talking about any part of him. That way, next time, maybe I can be the educator and connection for someone else.
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